The Workplace Archetypes Understanding Employee Personalities
Common work challenges, similar job roles, social dynamics, office rituals and just plain old human nature result in the existence of common workplace archetypes across different offices around the world. While not every office may have the exact same archetypes, there are certain universal traits and behaviours that tend to manifest across diverse workplaces.
Here are 7 archetypes that emerge in office environments:
- The Office Joker: This archetype is quick-witted and always armed with a repertoire of jokes and humorous remarks. Whether it’s during meetings, coffee breaks, or casual conversations, the Office Joker has a talent for injecting humour into various situations. Much like a jester in a medieval court, the Office Joker uses humour, wit, and playful pranks to alleviate tension, boost morale, and create a more enjoyable atmosphere for their colleagues.
- The Spreadsheet Sorcerer: The Spreadsheet Sorcerer is an archetype that humorously characterizes a coworker with an extraordinary command over spreadsheet software, turning data into magical works of art. He is a master of complex formulas. Whether it’s VLOOKUP, IF statements, or nested functions, they navigate the spreadsheet realm with ease, conjuring solutions to data-related challenges as if casting spells.
- The Inbox Juggler: This architype is CC’d in almost every mail sent out or within the office. They’re well-trained content supervisors, are experts at graphic design execution and dabble at coding and other technical pursuits too. In the chaotic circus of emails, there exists our Inbox Juggler, skilfully managing an avalanche of messages with a theatrical flair. When the inbox juggler finds extra time on his/her hands, they schedule mails to be sent out for the next quarter.
- The Office Gossip Guru: This is the one person from every office who singlehandedly originates all chaos, confusion, and misinformation. He/she is always the first person to jump in and provide their opinions without having a single clue about the context of the issue. Any news/information (excluding work-related information) that reaches them will be amplified and broadcasted to everyone at the office, including the janitor. Although this Gossip Guru causes fights and misinformation, they are the best person to kill time with.
- The Procrastination Picasso: “The Procrastination Picasso” will give all work on time. Just that he will tear apart the timeline provide crippling anxiety to everyone who is part of the workflow. This is an archetype that characterizes a coworker known for their exceptional ability to procrastinate and yet produce remarkable work under the pressure of deadlines.
- The Printer Poltergeist: You might be wondering what this sixth architype is doing amidst a list of 5 workplace architypes. That is because the printer poltergeist doesn’t qualify as your average coworker. The printer poltergeist is a supernatural entity who dedicates his existence to troublemaking and printer breakdowns. There is one that exists in every other office. Ever had papers clog the printer the reason for which even the hardware repair guy couldn’t explain? It is because the printer poltergeist from every office is always working hard to haunt printers around the world, causing breakdowns and malfunctions.
If you want to see these archetypes in action and their interactions with each other, visit norman ozi for some hilarious corporate memes and web comics!
Ace the Performance Appraisal Process and Praise the Lord💰
Hey corporate comrade! Nothing comes easy in life! If you have to ace the appraisal process that’s knocking on the door, you need to be strategic. You need to prove to your boss that you are the most intelligent and efficient worker around who’s been overlooked and treacherously underestimated. You need to make him or her feel that you have been subjugated among the bunch of laggards and idiots. Today, I will teach you the art of communicating this message and get a fair appraisal. So, sit tight!
The first counsel I have for you is to get yourself surrounded by laggards and poor performers. This will make it seem that you are the most intelligent and diligent of the lot. If you are asked to rate yourself on different parameters like punctuality, discipline, creativity, productivity, etc., rate yourself the highest. Even if you come at 11 a.m. and the office starts at 9 a.m., rate yourself five on five on punctuality. The simple reason is to woo your boss’ shame element. If you rate yourself the highest, it signifies you have high self-esteem. Even if your boss were to break it, how far can he or she go? If you continually come after 2 hours from the time the office starts, you rightfully deserve a score of ‘zero’. If you still rate yourself five on five in punctuality on sheer guts, how little can your boss squeeze it to? If he has a little bit of shame in him, he may reduce it to three. There! You gain a score of three!
Read more: 📖🤓Are you Ready for the Dreadful Experience of Performance Appraisal?
The rule is flabbergasting your boss or the appraiser! If you have to meet your expectations of a salary hike in the next appraisal, you have to break others’ expectations so unexpectedly that they take hypertension tablets to survive the shock. The benefit is all yours! Let the buffoon go to hell! Who cares!
Opportunity Areas and the Development Trap
Your appraiser’s sole duty is to look for your lacuna and name them opportunity areas. He or she will tell you that you need to work on these areas but in fact, these are the excuses for your low salary. Your boss is trying to stitch your mouth with a glue under the pretext of development. Your boss may also recommend some training courses for you as if he is treating a patient with acute diarrhoea with intravenous fluids. Beware! Do not allow your boss to dissect your weaknesses by falling into this development trap! Do not allow him to create grounds for the justification of your low salary hike. Then what’s the way out? I will tell you but keep it a secret for your own interests.
🔓 Unlock the gateway to humor🤓: Laughing Through Appraisals: Unveiling the Paradox of Performance Appraisals
The Remedy
If you at all have to be in the development trap and list your opportunity areas, identify aspects of self-development that don’t sound so malicious. Document opportunity areas that are benign and has nothing to do with performance. A few examples of opportunity areas to work on would make it clear.
“I need to be less appealing to colleagues so that they feel less competitive.”
“I need to control my sharp intellect in front of my less-gifted colleagues to foster teamwork.”
“I need to relax to avoid burnout.”
And the like…
A 360-degree solution for a 360-degree Performance Review
For people who do not know what a 360-degree performance review or appraisal looks like, let me give you a fairly unfair idea. All the employees of a department including bosses, subordinates, and colleagues sit in a circle as though they are playing the musical chair game.
They rate each other on different parameters that affect productivity and culture under the columns of everyone’s name and the average score is calculated. By the laws of nature, you score your friends more and your enemies less. You can comfortably call it a consortium of conspicuous conspiracy to squeeze your salary and make you look like an insignificant dwarf. The decree of your character and performance certificate comes out in about an hour where your weaknesses are highlighted, and your strengths are underrated. People who have gone through this abominable ordeal feel like a public molestation of their self-esteem.
Is there a way out?
Of course, there is! If there’s none, we will make one. Here’s my advice.
Make sure you are the last person in the circle to fill out the form. Remember, there is a fixed budget for the appraisal. So never rate your peers and coworkers liberally. The reason is every penny that goes to your coworker is not available for you in the budget. Be selfish and unscrupulous and hammer your coworkers and wink at them so that they are liberal in scoring you. This may sound a little selfish and mean but your coworkers may blow the raise away on education, healthcare, and commitments. You on the other hand may spend it on clothes and luxury items to strengthen the economy. So be wise! Look at the big picture while deciding how your colleagues performed and rate them accordingly.
I have faith in you! You will surely be victorious in making your pockets heavy this year and breed content about your job. With a 13-hour job, you will become a puppet of your boss with hardly any exercise of your facial muscles. If you have liked this newsletter, subscribe! I will come to you with hilarious newsletters and office cartoons of the corporate tomfoolery every week. You can share them to make the planet a more enjoyable place to live in. If you can spare some more time, you can browse my web comic art to keep your blood chemicals in order! That’s it for this week! See Ya!
Laughingly Yours,
Norman & Ozi
